Sunday, October 17, 2010

Give Me Your Eyes...

This past Saturday we had our 2 month anniversary here in K. Wow, A LOT has happened in those 2 months. I am hopeful that the next several months that we are here are less "bad" eventful and more "good" eventful. (Sorry english majors if that is poor grammar.)
I have been struggling since the surgery. Physically I am doing okay. I have some pain here and there but over all am healing very nicely. But the emotional and mental side of healing....not doing so good. Going through the surgery made me realize how alone we are here. When we came home, there was no help, no support system, no nothing. We had just wished for one moment that someone would have brought us a meal or two or that someone would have offered to take Kyler for a few hours so we could rest (this has been as hard on Richard as it has been on me). But none of that happened. Back in the states we would have had family and friends who would have dropped everything to help us and to provide an extra set of hands or a few meals. But coming home to an empty house and being thrown right back into "life" was very hard (and continues to be) on the healing process. The first day back in K I overdid it. I was unpacking, cleaning, getting laundry started, and attempting to cook us something decent to eat (especially since I am on a strict diet). Therefore the next day I paid dearly...I was in so much pain and was pretty much useless. Being home was nice because I had my bed and my stuff, but it was hard. For one day I sat and just cried because I hated the loneliness feeling. I hated feeling I had no one....I was frustrated that we were here and I was frustrated that I had to go through all of these health problems here (alone). As I sat their in my self-pity....I realized something, these emotions weren't simply because someone didn't show up on my door step with a casserole dish, no they were from something so much deeper, something that has been plaguing me for a while. I HATE being alone. I hate feeling like I have no one to turn too. I live in my own selfish world and I want it all to revolve around me. When I am not getting the attention that I want I get upset. Instead of turning to my Heavenly Father to fulfill me and fill that loneliness void, I turn to people or things to do that.

Over the past several years I have been so caught up in myself....teaching, working out, shopping, planning fun things for our family to do, worship team, parties and events and the list goes on....they often I have forgotten to stop, look around, and realize that their are people right in front of me that are lonely. They don't have a Heavenly Father to fill that void. They don't have someone to help with their kids, to make them a meal (because they have had a surgery or just because)...I am so caught up in "Tiffany's world and Tiffany's life" that I dont put others needs before my own. THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE. I am right now beginning to pry that G will give me the eyes that I can see those in need around me, that he will allow me to see when someone is hurting, or needs a meal, or just needs a break.....that HE will allow me to be the on JC they might ever see, to guide them to the only thing that can fill their loneliness void....our Heavenly Father.
The music side of me always relates everything to a song....there is a song by Brandon Heath called "Give me your Eyes". Here are the lyrics....I hope they bless you and touch you as much as they have me....(listen to it on YouTube if you get a chance)

Look down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight

Touch down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me you heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what’s underneath

There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, He's buying time

I’ve been here a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
I need a second glance
Give me a second chance
To see the way you’ve seen the people all along

So the healing and being alone....yes it stinks....but as my amazing husband reminded me last night. I need to use the 2 weeks of medical leave from school as a chance to dig into the word and allow my Heavenly Father to speak to me and guide me so that I can have the eyes of HIM!


Autumn said...

I am so sorry you have felt so alone. I know you aren't wanting a pity party but I just wanted to say that I have felt the same way moving down to TX, but gradually we are making friends and getting a new church family. I have also cried out of loneliness at times.
And TX does not even compare to another country. You guys can't just drive six hours to be with friends and family.
We will keep you guys in our prayers.
Thank you so much for this honesty. It really speaks for many of us, who need to let go of our selfishness and give everything to G.
We miss you guys greatly. Just think, one day you will be able to look back and say, "I had surgery in Greece!"
Love, Autumn (& Adam)

Jennifer said...

My heart is broken reading this. I wish so much that I could jump on a plane and bring you dinner!! I'm so glad that you have some time to reflect and rely, and I'm excited to see how God is growing you through this, even though it's so unpleasant. The three of you are constantly on my mind and in my prayers. Love you!